Beyond the Warrior Within

18 FEB 2009

So, I always type severely depressing posts in my journal. Always pertaining to love and past experiences that still haunt me. Perhaps, today is the day that should change for once. I love my life. Despite what I complain about in the dark recess of my mind, I wake up and fall asleep with a smile everyday. Most days I laugh so hard it hurts. Today for example, we took Buch’s cover and soaked it in water and then put it in the freezer for like two hours so it was frozen. So, to retaliate the LT takes Kitten’s coke and fills it with hot sauce and milk. Kitten almost killed Rog while playing around with an electrical socket. I almost died teaching Rog how to drive a stick. We swung around on a seabag attached to a chain. I walked a 7-ton tire like two feet. I will master the art of that and make it my vehicle. Umm, I look great, I really do. For once in my life I enjoy what I see in the mirror. I’m not sexy by any means but I look ‘fit’.

As for my heart, Look! I like to imagine the possibilities in my head in the late hours of the morning what would have happened between Brittaney and I had I not deployed. I also like to paint my life as some elaborate happening that is ever so dramatic. Truth being, I’m 20 years old having the time of my life in the desert. I enjoy not having to worry about women right now. Minus, the now and then before I go to bed I really don’t think of anyone back home. This is leaving out certain few who I have always communicated with. So, there. I love life. I’m not depressed, and I’m not heartbroken or hungup.

Word.

Point.

She knew that her life had passed her by

22 FEB 2009

I’ll start off saying Happy Birthday to Veronica Sue. Though, she’ll never read this. Hah.

So, today I was in one of the best moods I’ve been in out here. Probably has alot to do with some progress I’ve been making. The shoulder is finally back to where I feel comfortable lifting again. My biceps have grown a full two inches since I left the states. I’ve got my composite score to the point I should pick up in April. My bench and incline have both gone up by at least thirty pounds. I’m almost to the point where I can rep my bodyweight in incline. My max being in the 200 range I’m sure. I’m constantly watching my loans dwindle and my bank account rise. Knowing I’ll be fully out of debt by the time June rolls around. I’ve been given the knowledge that staying a year or not is fully up to me to decide. Found out what style I want my Alice in Wonderland sleeve to be. Also, discovered there is a new Alice movie in the works now, which is directed by Tim Burton. I’m hella stoked about that. Time is still flying out here. Yet another Sunday has passed with little to no conflict. The day crew is a blast. I can honestly say I enjoy going to work on a daily basis. The thought of home creeps in now and then, but its mainly at the end of the day when I lay down to sleep. I’m cutting this one short.

I love life.

Point.

I feel like there is no need for conversation.

26 FEB 2009

Been slacking in this department as of late. No real news to update on, outside the fact that I have enrolled in college courses. I’m taking 9 credit hours the next sixteen weeks. We’ll see how all of that mess turns out.

So, its my choice to stay a year or not. This is the biggest weight on my shoulders as of right now. Staying or going…It’s so crazy.

Never finished.

Point.

Welcome to heartbreak.

8 MAR 2009

I did not come to Iraq for myself.
It was not a selfish decision that brought me to join the Marine Corps.
I do not truly enjoy any part of my job.
I hate what I had to do to come here.
I hate even more the response that I get from some people.
I cannot stand you telling me you don’t know if you could do it.
I loathe the fact people think this is just an easy routine for me.
Being apart weighs on me just as much as on you.
The life I have chosen is not the amazing adventure I make it out to be.
What if constantly rings in my mind.
What if I was still living in Seymour.
What if I had never joined.
What if I had actually applied myself in High School
What if I had taken everything as serious as it should have been taken.
I could have my regrets and question everything I’ve done for years to come.
Or.
I could make the best out of everyday and cherish the decisions I have made.
I did come to Iraq. I cannot stop that.
I joined for all of you whether or not this war is right is irrelevant.
I love the people I work with and I love what my job accomplishes.
I love that I’ve had the chance to serve my country in a combat zone.
If by coming here only God Himself tells me I’ve done a fine work it will be enough.
I cherish the fact that since I’m here you won’t have to do this.
I like the fact you think I am so strong willed it is easy for me.
I know it makes seeing you again so much better.
It is filled with incredible experiences.
They are so easy to answer though.
I’m not.
I did.
I didn’t.
I failed to.
I could embrace the life I’ve been blessed with and hang on for the ride.

3 FEB 2009

‘Cause you are afraid of love.’ – Schlotter.

I’ve never thought of it that way, never in that light. I know I don’t consider love possible right now, and I’ve seen first hand accounts that have led me to believe such. Though, afraid is not a word I would use to describe my sentiments on love. I’m just not naive enough to believe that there is someone out there who would be capable of loving me more than they love themselves. This all being in the romantic sense of the word love. I love, its what I do, I would do just about anything to help someone if I could regardless of how that person has done me in the past. Given the right person, one I could trust who doesn’t end up changing their mind, I am absolutely capable of love. I’m not scared of love, I just know that I am young and so are most women I get involved with. Perhaps, I will find one that is suited to change my mind, one who can go beyond infatuation and how I ‘make her feel’ and realize love costs, it takes effort and work. Then, maybe I will have found love. Until then, I’ll just keep doing what I do, living the dream and having a blast.

I may add more later. I doubt it tho.

Point

Quote.
‘I have the hottest girlfriend ever, I drive a BMW, blah blah blah, my Dad owns the color blue, I’m rich.’ Pooky.

On the next plane to Mexico

6 FEB 2009

Is this how you imagined your life? When you were growing up in school did you think of the life you have now when you dreamed of what you really wanted. I hate people becoming content with what they have and settling for less than what they want. I have a letter written to me where a girl stated, ‘I never thought I would fall in love like this. I always thought I would just settle. I never thought a love like this was possible.’ That statement is so ridiculous. Why would anyone think like that? I don’t believe many people are capable of the love I dream of, but I do think it exists somewhere and I won’t stop searching until I find it. This life has so much more to offer than a mediocre relationship, two and a half kids, and a quaint little house in a suburb that is exactly like every other one. I want to build my own house, with my hands, and a little help from Ben, Doug, and the Uncles. I want my own design. I want a job where I love going to work every single day. I wanna work on a mountain as a boarding instructor. I want to be a guide in the wilderness somewhere. I want to live in the Bahamas and work at an incredible resort. I want my own life, not just what the world says is normal. I want to experience everything I can and maybe along the way I will fall madly in love with someone who has the same spirit as me.

Though, here I sit for now. In the most mundane, routine filled life I could possibly imagine. My actions and daily events are as predictable as the ticking of a clock. This is me. This is what I’ve become. Repeating yesterday. The only thing I think about during the day is snowboarding in Aspen at the end of the year. Skydiving for my birthday when I get back to the states. Most of all, getting out of the Marine Corps and actually living my life. Traveling and just getting away for awhile. Hopefully I can get enough school done while I’m in so I can have fun when I get out. Otherwise, I gotta get that done first. Family comes first. I need to be able to support my children and wife before I can go out and get crazy. That is all for tonight.

Point.

It’s the way you present yourself for all your worst critics to see.

11 FEB 2009

So, today marks a month since I’ve been gone. Time flies by in this place despite the fact I have the most predictable routine one could ever have. Though, the crews switched up and we started playing Spades at work. We have been having a blast with the newest addition to our crew Matt. He fits in well with Tony and I. I finally ordered some workout clothing, so I can get out of my cammies and boots in the gym. Umm..I’ve gained a few pounds of muscle and am starting to enjoy how I look. Not much else to report.

The question arised today of volunteers for the entire year deployment. Meaning everyone who didn’t want to could leave in August and return back to their homes. Except for two people. One 2800 and one 5900. I am one of three 2800s. The other two, who are both close friends of mine. Micheal Smasal, a 21 year old Virginian who reminds me of a Holocaust victim. He’s been in the hospital for about two and a half weeks now. He developed ammonia in Sal Sinjar and is now dwelling in Kuwait waiting to return here. He and his wife have been married a little over three months or so. Which is why I wouldn’t expect him to stay when he has so much to go back to. The other is Johnathon Meastas, one of the most hilarious rich children I have ever met in my life. A twenty year old from Colorado, one of the hardest working Marines I know. He too has a wife waiting for him back home. What kind of person would I be to elongate the seperation of a husband and wife? How selfish would I have to be to knowingly extend either of their periods without their counterpart? Therefore, I raised my hand.

Didn’t finish this one.

Point.

‘I hope someone shits on your eyebrows’ – Key key.

Could we pretend for a second that we are together

12 FEB 2009

Emotions. The best of them all being numb. This is the conclusion I had come to until as of late in my life. Apathy was always the solution, the easiest way out of this whole ordeal. Though, it is a poison. A poison that chokes the fullness of life out of a person’s existence.

What I wouldn’t give to finally forget you. Even though the thought of our story sickens me to my core I can’t help but think about you everyday. Given it isn’t always a positive memory I recall, but late at night before bed I still recall what it was like when you would hold my hand. How despite everything I still felt like the center of the universe that night we said goodbye in the driveway. How you still said you loved me after everything. I wonder if you think about me in the same way still. Perhaps, sometimes you wish he was me.

To see someone lose themselves in their emotions always made me think of them as weak. Though, I’ve learned as of late a man who can control and channel his emotions could be powerful beyond measure. Today in the gym, while lifting I recalled the events of the past that caused my blood to boil. I felt the anger coarsing through my veins as I jumped twenty pounds in my dumbbell bench. Closing my eyes and picturing if you will, a slideshow of memories that caused a rage to build inside of me. The final freezeframe flashed in my mind as I opened my eyes and threw my weights back. The weight I did was my fifth set and was also above my max. I completed eight reps. Thank you for those pictured that caused my rage induced workout. I’ll try this more often.

Point.

‘You are a Marine, you can do anything.’ Mick Jones
‘Yeah, except quit.’                     Key Key

All she want me to do is fuck the police.

15 FEB 2009

Time here is passing with a swiftness that one really wouldn’t expect. By the time you glance at the clock it seems the day is already coming to an end. Another Sunday has come and gone, here I sit awaiting to go to the gym to continue building this body the way I feel it should be. Rarely having time to think deeply other than when I select my playlist for falling asleep. After which, I lay there and contemplate how things are going back home. Not exactly missing home itself, more of thinking if my extended leave is affecting anything at all. Wondering if anyone stops during the day and questions if I am alright. Considering if anyone goes through the same thought process toward the end of the day. Perhaps, you lay your head down at night and imagine where I am at that moment. These being the things that still effect me the most. I pray nightly to gain closure in my current situation. To hear I was inadequate to fulfil your deepest desires or that you just weren’t looking for someone like me is all that I ever needed to hear. Except, you couldn’t give me that, still to this day all you have said is you still love me and still think about me constantly. To be able to give up this hold you have on my heart, that is my greatest want as of right now.

Maybe I’ll continue this after the gym, but now I’m going to lift myself sick and then cut my hair.

If you only knew how much thats just not like me.

Smasal has finally returned from his illness. A knock upon the door last night the minute after I lay down to sleep. Shouting out to tell the person to just enter, as I do not lock my door at night. Despite my attempt to communicate with the visitor I have to summon the energy to climb out of my comfortable bed. Stumbling to the door kicking random things on the floor along the way, I finally arrive to the door. Opening it only to hear, ‘Get your dick out of your hand.’ I look up as my eyes adjust to see my old friend staring me in the face. We greet one another with a hug as excitement finally begins to come around in my sluggish state. We talk for ten minutes or so and then we both decide to head to bed. This interaction, regardless of how short has been one of the best since I’ve arrived in this foreign land. I can only imagine the embrace of someone from back home in a period twelve times that of Smasal’s.

I seem to have injured my shoulder no more than three days ago. My lifts, while still improving are becoming more and more painful. Mainly, those involving my left shoulder. Maybe I’ll take a few days off here and there from now on. Don’t know what I would do in place of my gym time though. Perhaps, I will meditate, or I could do what I have done tonight. Which is, writing in this journal.

Only time will tell.

[CONT]

So, I just finished watching the movie, Failure to Launch, and wasn’t quite ready for bed. I figured I’d apease all the lovely readers by more innane babble about my thoughts on life. I’ve never thought of myself as a complicated person, and experience has led me to believe I’m a bit more stable than most of my peers. You know. I’m just not feeling it. I’m gonna do some push-ups and sit-ups before bed. You all should do the same.

I will state my favorite scene of the movie is when Tripp gets in his car and she is there asking for a second to explain. His only reply is. ‘Get the fuck out of my car.’ Powerful stuff. In the rain and all.

Goodnight readers.

Point.

‘How do you lose weight?’ Shu
‘Just throw up after you eat man. Duh.’ The Huge Guy in the gym.

It’s not a lie if you believe it

29 JAN 2009

Today was an exceptional day to say the least. I ate three chows during my eight hour working shift, the mission to gain mass is working like a dream, even without the supplements. Talked to Grant today and got his insite on working out. He really is a brilliant passionate guy. Anyway, I have ample amounts of time out here to research working out and am finally starting to better understand the ways to achieve the goals that I have in mind for myself. Never have I considered myself a male of any type of size. Lately, I am starting to see the results of my semi-hard work. Though, I didn’t know how much knowledge there is about bettering oneself. So many programs dedicated to physical fitness and retaining strength while cutting uneeded fat. I cannot wait to see myself when I leave this place.

I am quickly realizing just how good the music of Jack Johnson is. I can honestly just sit and drift away to any of his CDs. From my view I see most artists today singing complaints about how life is terrible and how someone broke their heart and things of that sort. I’m sure those who read this know me well enough to know that I hate people who feel sorry for themselves. Jack Johnsons music is more of how I view life. If something happens I have no control over, so be it. I just realized this paragraph is pointless. Haha. I’ll leave it for good measure.

Nothing really to write about today. A couple ideas floating in my head. Nothing too solid that would make any sense. As the first two paragraphs have shown. I’ll write something good in days to come. Get strong. Stay fit.

Point.

“Ben ‘n I were wearing your camo around last night.”
“Were you high?” – Me
“Maybe…I didn’t want to. He forced it on me” – Sanderson.

Oh but everybody thinks
That everybody knows
About everybody else
Nobody knows
Anything about themselves
Cause their all worried about everybody else

28 JAN 2009

It’s funny life never really turns out how you would expect. One minute you have every second figured out, the next you have nothing that you started with and you are fighting with everything to get back to a stable point. I’ve always been a very independent individual. My relationship with my parents never really existed, and still doesn’t really to this day. Bless them for trying, quite honestly I’m indifferent about seeing them. The failing relationships I had with my parents made it very easy for me to be without emotional needs early on. I’ve carried that ability well into my life as it currently sits. I’ve learned here I prefer my solitude. I never realized how much I like this place until the rumors of sending people home early began. My heart actually sunk thinking that I could be selected. I have no problems here, and do to my above stated lack of emotional attachment, I’m completely content staying here sixteen months. Only because I know I could buy a house when I get back to the states, and owning my own house is a long thought out dream of mine.

Here is how I see life. I’m twenty years old, I haven’t even hit middle aged yet. To think that I’ve encountered the love of my life is absurd. I don’t even know what I’m going to do when I get out of the Marine Corps. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’ve been in love and I’ve been willing to see how far it would take me. Though, I have not yet met a woman who can handle me and the things I want to do. I still wanna backpack Europe, skydive, live in Alaska for a couple months, climb a mountain, go crab fishing, stand on a cliff in New Zealand, sing on a stage, write a book, inspire someone, learn to play the guitar, sit on a beach in Mexico with a cold beer in my hand, visit Canada, and rock climb in some random country in Africa. I want to experience every inch of living beautiful terrain this world can offer. Now, to find a woman with the same desires would be great, but if not. I plan on coming right back to the town that I know so well and possibly finding someone there to settle down with. I have a burning desire, a deep raging passion to create something beautiful. I love writing. Sometimes I understand myself better. That is enough for tonight. I’ll say one more thing.

I can’t wait to be a Dad. I’m going to be the absolute best.

Point.

“I cannot believe you didn’t fuck her! Are you kidding me? I’m so pissed off at you right now. Gah!” – John E Schlotter II

Tried to be appealing and you lost your appeal.

19 JAN 2009

Today was one of the best days I’ve had in a very long time. My ab workout at the gym tonight was completely unnecessary due to the fact I spent nearly every waking hour laughing so hard I cried. I was just in such a good mood I decided to infect everyone else with it. Tonight is really no different at all. I figure I’m out here until Lord knows when so I might as well make the best of it with everyone. So many new people and faces to get acquainted with. I find this place doing a large amount of good for me. I can finally focus solely on me and my job at hand. Which, I’m pretty much incredible at, hell, I may get promoted out here. You never know. Watched a couple of really good movies while I’ve been out here, The Score and Southland Tales. Check em. That is really it for today. I’m gonna go to bed and start my routine again tomorrow.

Point.

Quote.
‘What size jacket is that?’ -Everyone. (You had to be there)

I don’t recognize my reflection now.

20 JAN 2009

So I’ve decided to put all issues aside and remain friends with Brittaney. I have no clue what it is but I enjoy having her in my life and refuse to push her away. It’s quite unlike me to do such but its what I really want this time. Who knows…I’m pausing this one to go the gym and clear my head.

Never came back and wrote more. Watched a few movies. Out Cold is still my favorite movie to this day. I was in tears watching it tonight. I’ve seen it 150 times.

Point.

Quote.
‘In Colorado people don’t just sit outside and go ‘Oh we’re aclimating!” – Pooky

And how I let her go without a fight.

21 JAN 2009

Today was as equally as fun as Monday. I woke early this morning to drive a HMMWV (humvee) about thirty minutes away from my workspace to survey a new site. Basically, I got to feel useful and play in an offroad vehicle. I scaled a small cliff to run some slash wire. Hell, I even caught the brakes on the HMMWV on fire. Yeah, that’s right. I managed to break a vehicle designed to take just about anything you can put it through. In my defence, the truck was in bad condition to start with. All in all the morning was really a good time. Got back around lunch time and had some of the best veal I’ve ever tasted in my life. Returned to work only to head out again to drop gear off at my favorite place, MWCS. Most of my friends are in Comm Squad, though I didn’t realize how many until today. I got to see a couple friends I haven’t seen in well over a year today. Both of which didn’t seem to look any different at all. They are leaving Iraq in a mere nine days. Being as how I just arrived here myself I can’t imagine what that would feel like at all. Shortly after, I headed back to the shop and now I’m back in my can again after a uneventful gym visit and watching the movie The Siege.

I find out here you grow alot closer to people faster. There isn’t much to talk about besides stories of your past, the occasional joke, and your views on life. It’s funny in this place I’m more alone than I’ve been in quite some time, but I am completely unphased by it. Hell, I actually prefer it. I’m more healthy than I have been for some time. By far more active than in the past few months, and here I gain this sort of independence from people that is so hard for me to come by. My insecurities are nonexistent out here. I’m fully content sitting in my can waiting for gym, chow, sleep, or work to come. I have no romantic involvment that I constantly fret over. I miss no one back home badly enough for it to inhibit my daily behavior or mood. I hate feeling weak or exposed to anyone. I hate giving anyone the ability to hurt me. Despite the fact I believe the only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open, I refuse to do such. Well, at times I open up just enough to take a chance. Just recently I found myself fighting to keep someone around putting all my feelings on the line and risking just that. It being the failed attempt it was, I was just stating I’m capable. Regardless what I am capable of I still hate being in that position. It’s how I’ve always been. My life hasn’t been anything near exceptional to this point but I feel as though I’ve done alright for myself so far. Though, maybe its time for a change. Well, I’ve already started making them.

Sometimes I forget that I’m a Marine. It’s become such a routine that I forget what it is we do and what we stand for. Then, every now and then I’m reminded. I work in conjunction with the direct air support center(DASC). Basically, they are radio operators who assign aircrafts to casualty evacuations or medical evacuations. Meaning you have young men and women holding the lives of so many in their hands. I always say what respect I have for athletes. Just the other day I mentioned how I couldn’t do what Darius Washington did no more than three years ago. (If you don’t know what I’m talking about Google ‘darius washington missed free throws’ or YouTube it.) College athletes who being around the same age as me are covered by so much pressure to succeed. It’s so easy to forget that everyday my job is ten times more important than these athletes. I maintain communication for the above explained DASC. Ergo, without the radio nets we provide, there would be no MED or CAS EVACS. If communication fails during one of these times it would be up to me or a fellow Marine to bring it back up, or we would be the ones responsible for the death of another. That is what I deal with on a day to day basis. It’s something all of us have to deal with.

Sometimes, I blame the Marine Corps for the life I now lead. I forget how honorable it is to be in the position I am. I can’t imagine how or where I would be if I hadn’t joined. Never look at the Armed Forces with any distain. They do everything they do for you. The words of Lew still ring clear in my head to this very day.

‘So they don’t have to go. So their parents don’t have to watch their son die.’

It was his reasoning for why someone else couldn’t go. If we should be in Iraq, if we shouldn’t, whatever the case may be…I’m surrounded by the bravest and most selfless people in the country. Maybe not when it comes to the last beer in the case, or who gets the top or bottom rack. Though, when it comes down to setting their entire life aside just so you can continue yours without having to worry about it they are money. I know this deployment is why you left me. I would even bet you still are in love with me. I hate that I had to give us up. We would have been so great together for so long. Though, here I am…10,000 miles from home. Perhaps, one day I’ll be home for good and we can try this all again. As of right now, I’m where I’m supposed to be. I pray regardless of the outcome you are happy, that is all I ever wanted for you. I love both of you still. Know that if you ever read this.

I originally started this journal, well it was supposed to be letters, to someone on a near daily basis so if the content seems a bit dry that was the idea I had in mind. In a way, I’m still writing them for her. I just don’t think I’ll tell her until I return to the states.

Point.

Quote.
‘What kind of asshole removes a working heater to replace it with one with a cut power cord? Then, wraps the cord around it knowing I can’t use it.’ – Lt. Koons.

Misdirected aggression from an obvious lack of attention.

Life is much like this desert I find myself in now. Barren, desolate, and void of most anything one would find enjoyment out of. A journey one sets out on, the destination being unknown. Stumbling with little guidance and using any wits we are given to follow some sort of path or direction. Then, suddenly after all hope is lost we find an oasis. An absolute paradise in the middle of this treacherous road we have been on for so long. We are filled with utter joy. Finally, is the thought that comes to mind. Finally we have found what we have been looking for for all this time. The work and effort and journey have all been worth this second and moment in time. We enjoy the time we are blessed with in that oasis until something happens. Depending on what type of person we are either, A) The oasis turns out to be a mirage and everything just disappears and once again you are left with the barren unforgiving desert you were stuck with before, or B) We use the oasis until we have had our fill and then we get bored and decide to continue on the road traveling to the next best thing.
The first week in country has passed with a swiftness that I did not expect. People, despite how predictable they are still amaze me constantly. The human mind continues to perplex me. Perhaps, it is the need we have for others or the desire for acceptance we all search for that causes us to do the most unlikely of things. Regardless, I am at a loss for explanation. I’m not saying I’m any better or different. I sympathize, I sympathize completely. I just haven’t found the comfort others have with living all for myself. Even reading my last post I think that way of thinking is horrible. Who am I to complain because I am beaten and used and lied to and completely disrespected. I have the love of a Savior who died for me, and His suffering was immensely worse than mine could ever begin to be. So, once again I will continue to do anything I can to help everyone I can. Much like the service I am doing for this country now, as I sit in a room no bigger than a storage unit. Coming across some of my old writings I see the man I have become and the hatred this world has caused my heart to feel. Though, I refuse to be weak and refuse to give up. I can’t. I won’t. I am the strongest and smartest man who has ever lived. I’m done clapping. I can do it better myself and I will.
With that all said, I’m continuing to enjoy my deployment. I’m gaining weight and looking better everyday. Hopefully, I’m here for sixteen months so that I can purchase a house when I return home. This is my desire, my will, my goal. Self improvement. Better, stronger, faster. Though, I will say a special thanks to those who walk all over me. You are the reason I will be so successful.

Point.

Quote.
‘Motherfuckin’ Chode’ – Big T

You forget I got this far without you. You are forgetting my broken bones.

14 JAN 2009

This is my first entry since we have been in country due to the fact I finally have electricity. Writing eluded me the days prior to my departing due to the fact I couldn’t hold one single thought long enough to decide how I felt about anything. Went to Tennessee one last time before I left, had to put the plan into action to return my three vehicles. That was the reason given for my trip back. Though, I possessed so many more. Seeing Brittaney again was really the only thing that I had hoped for. I’ll keep the outcome of that and my feelings on the matter to myself for now. The very hour I left home my anxiety faded and any fear about me disappeared. I couldn’t wait to finally get into Iraq. That which I had seeked for so long could no elude me any longer. The trip here was very uneventful, Meastas and I slept every plane ride fully until food was being served at which point we awoke to eat and then pass out shortly thereafter. We stopped in Maine, I can’t come up with one reason anyone would live there -14 degrees is something I never want to experience again. From there, another five hour nap with periods of eating to Germany. Meastas, who will be further known as Pooky, does not accredit me with a visit to this country due to the fact we were stuck in an airport the entire time. Regardless I have been there, so Pooky can eat it.

So quote of the day.
“How cool would it be to have a dragon?” Smasal
“That would be pretty fucking sweet man.” Me
“Let a bitch burn my shit.” Meastas.

I found that hilarious.

Point.

If you close your eyes it will all go away. Bullshit.

15 JAN 2009

The power here is about as stable as my lovelife, therefore, the last entry was cut short. Somewhere I probably lost this incredible idea or thought that could have changed the world, oh well. Counting days here is a activity I shall not partake in, as I find any measuring of time slows the entire process. So far my time is filled with eating what could be the best food of my life and sleeping more than I have in any period. Eight hours of jet lag will destroy any remains of a sleep schedule one had. I stay in a room no larger than a one car garage with three other males. All of us come from different backgrounds with the most conflicting personalities any four humans could possess, though, somehow through this strange place everything seems to be going smoothly…for now.
I feel sympathy for so many Marines in this place. My so called sacrifice is nothing in comparison to what they have given up for their country. I have no wife, kids, home, or really anything resembling a family that I had to leave when I departed the states for a year. I had no girlfriend, no home to leave, or anything such as that. The biggest hassle I had was setting up automatic bill payment and trying to ship my unnecessary amount of vehicles home, which ended successfully. I remember why I would prefer being out here for sixteen months as opposed to be coming back shortly after my twenty-first. I cannot stand being that dependent on anyone else. I refuse to allow myself to be so attached that I can’t live without someone. It’s so crazy because I was almost at that point no more than a month ago. I thought I finally found that person, luckily she shut me down. For once in my life I was ready to fight to keep someone around. Yes, Zachary Piontkowski was so sprung and confident that he was ready to actually give everything he had to keep someone around. I’m still very broken and would love to have her, but being out here is just a reassurace that I am perfectly content with being alone.
I can see myself waging a sort of emotional war though. I am so unsure of what to do. Normally, I can just push someone completely out of my life and not worry about it in the least. Somehow this time is different…I’m sure this innane babble means nothing to anyone. I post it anyway. Someone will eventually make some sort of sense from it.
Back into the deployment, its a joke, and as far as this ‘combat zone’ goes…This is a joke. I work eight hours a day and my work consists.

So I found out alot since I wrote that last part. I’m furious at myself for being a moron and once again putting faith in people. I have a year to become independent and cut my need for any emotional attachment.

Point.

I asked a toothless man who all these people were and….

I’ve found out why I am completely okay with sitting in my room watching movies wishing my life was in some way epic. I am completely disgusted by the way the world works. Angry fills my entire body when I see how selfish and careless people can be.
I know a girl, who will remain nameless, who has been married for one week. In a timespan as short as seven days she has already cheated on her husband and plans to do it again. Not to mention the word divorce is already being brought up. How does such an amazing thing turn to such a sham? Do honest, faithful, and selfless people exist anymore?
I’m nineteen years old…What makes me so different than everyone else my age? I always end up asking myself that. Then, I get to church this morning…and once again God shows me everything that I need to see. Just always illustrating that this world is not where we belong. Romans 12:2 talks about that whole transforming your mind thing.
You know, I can’t help but think how great the world would be if we were a little less adamant about self preservation and cared just a smidgen more about one another. My hope is that in this world there is still a beautiful woman capable of loving God and me more than she loves herself. That sometime somewhere I can be completely open and not have to worry. Though, I know this won’t happen. So, I continue to guard my heart as I am directed. Sigh. Being single for so long really pays off now that I am surrounded by this infidelity. Maybe someone will change my mind soon.
Off to bed, that was a short update.

All for Christ.
<3
Zachary Piontkowski, Lcpl USMC.

It’s a tank of gas or a cold six pack.

    Many nights have pasted since I have been plagued with a sleepless night. Perhaps, tonight should be that night. It seems rather fitting it would be this night, as I do intend to start a new workout routine in the morn. Though, despite that fact it seems no matter how long the pillow engulfs my cranium, I am destined to be left wanting that ever sought after end to this day.  Creativity seems to be leaving me, that is in comparison to my former years. Today seemed like the first day in ages that I performed any sort of musical in the confides of my lavatory.  The beautiful deep writing I used to commit to at least once a week has also appeared to slowly halt as well. My soul yearns to remedy such, as I am still filled with just as many thoughts. Discerning the cause of such slacking has eluded me as of late. The writings of years past were mainly after I had been so consumed by malice and discontent that I had no other choice to spread the red hatred onto the black and white of a computer screen. Lately, such malice and discontent is becoming much more difficult to find. Not that I would complain of such in the least, merely explaining one of the few theories I have for this lack of creative fluid. There are a handful of sore subjects I could cover at the moment, but at this point it doesn’t seem to have any necessity, as I am not dealing with them right now.

I was considering to myself today as I was shaving what sacrifice I had made to become a United States Marine. Freedom, they tell us that is what we are fighting for. I have not seen my family since Christmas. I rarely get the chance to go home and not feel rushed or stressed about getting back to base on time. It takes near an act of the Lord Almighty to even take a vacation in this place. Mainly, because they feel I am incompetent about using the wonderful interstate program of our fine country. I quoted how it was very well one time, ‘I am overworked, underpaid, sexually frustrated, and treated like a kindergarten student. ‘ Just tossed that one in there because it makes me laugh. If you support the war or not just know this. Regardless if the military is here or in the big sandbox, they gave up their entire lives so you can live without wondering if your country is protected or not. Chew on that. I’ll be back sometime with a longer post. Tired setting in.

All for Christ.
<3
Zachary Piontkowski, LCPL USMC.

I’d like to see you out in the moonlight.

    I went to Southside this weekend with Mark. I can’t say it didn’t feel weird walking back into that church after what seems like an eternity. It feels as though I didn’t skip a beat. Everyone was surprised to see me, can’t say I wouldn’t be.  It was a bit strange though. I fully enjoy my new church much better than Southside, but nothing will ever replace how much all the people there mean to me.

My jaw has swollen up to the size of a grapefruit. I had a root canal once upon a time and somehow my root got infected. Yay me. I’m missing days of work tho and I get to go to a civilian doctor. (Meaning is will get done right the first time.)

All for Christ.
<3
Zachary Piontkowski, LCPL, USMC.

There is no combination of words I can put on the back of a postcard.