Beyond the Warrior Within

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

-Robert Frost.

Here I am. The same person emotionally I always have been. The same issues coming persistently in everyday life. Myself, reacting the same way I always have. Regardless of who it is. I have this amazing ability to shut down completely. To be content with what I do or don’t have. To convince myself I’m better off alone. I thought about this on the ride home tonight. I have decided to try something different. Heh. We’ll see how it works.

Once again I’ll write to you in particular. I thank God for the woman you are. That you have so much passion and love in you. That you actually seem to care. You purpose still eludes me. Though, for now I will say thank you for your friendship. You have given me hope in not only that there are people who still care, but that their are women capable of loving me. Hah. Hard to believe I know. I’m going to keep it short because well, no reason to beat a dead horse.

All for Him
<3
Zachary Piontkowski, PFC USMC.

Somewhere in the jungle, in the middle of the night. There’s a US Marine, and he’s looking for a fight.

    I have no idea what is it about me. I always question my ability to put my trust into people. Though, I’ve never imagined it ever working out. I assume my burden would be harder to carry if I had someone I was ‘close’ to. Maybe today loneliness is drop kicking me in the chest. Regardless of what has cause these thoughts the thing currently bothering me is how I now react to them. The idea of never getting married doesn’t really effect me. Now, don’t get me wrong I would love to have a loving wife and a beautiful child. Despite my burning desire to have such a life…I am completely accepting and fairly confident of the fact that I will never achieve such dreams. Perhaps, I have some horrible misconstrued sense of how people are. Maybe I have never allowed myself to become acquainted with someone who is really more concerned about another’s wellbeing as opposed to their own. Or maybe society has come so far that the only thing that matters to anyone is themselves. Given all that I really don’t know what point I am trying to get across. Time and time again I trust another and nevertheless end up right back where I started. I can’t say I have a solid friendship with anyone. Of course, guys here are like brothers, but if we weren’t in the desert with nothing to do would we hang out nearly as much. Scho and I are very open yet, closed about so much more. He is like me in so many ways, regardless, I thank God for his positive influence on me. People from back home…I keep in contact with some here and there. Mainly a brief catching up over AIM to learn nothing really is going on, and question when I may be stopping back in town. Sigh. Perhaps. This is the life I was meant for.

Given all this I continue on my same path. I am where God wants me. And despite the fact I seem completely alone ninety percent of the time I know the Lord is all that I need. I still would go to the ends of the Earth to assist anyone in need. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.

I hate it when I complain. Isn’t salvation and fellowship with the Lord of Lords enough for me to live on and be filled with joy everlasting. What can any friendship or relationship grant me that God cannot? What marriage and family can be possible without Christ. Why do I waste this life that isn’t even mine searching for trivial things? Why do I continually allow myself to put hope in men and women knowing their own selfish thoughts will tear them and me down? How many can take anything away from my pitiful depression. When, in truth I have nothing to be depressed over. When, what I should be doing is pressing on towards that mark. Knowing full well where my hope should be placed and knowing that He who began a good work in me will perform it until the day of Christ Jesus.

I love watching Christ fill me and take me from depression to realizations in a matter of a writing. I’m sure somewhere out in this wonderful world there is a beautiful woman who would love to be taken out to dinner by me. She’s probably depressed right now for the same reasons I am, but smiling knowing God is the only fellowship she needs. So she’ll continue doing what she needs to. Following God’s Will and not devoting herself to anything but. So, if you see her give me a call. Until then, I’ll continue praising for what I have been given.

All for Him.
<3
Zachary Piontkowski, PFC USMC.

I’m really sorry now, and I never really knew. All this time I wasted. It all belonged to you.

    So, I’m lying in bed thinking about where the next year will take me and I finally realized why I love the Marine Corps. It’s for the worst reasons. I’ve always been scared to get close, I can’t trust, and I have never been able to open completely to anyone. Well that, the Marine Corps fits perfect. I hang out with people for limited amounts of time. Therefore, I don’t have to get that close at all, just common interests. Talk about God and then months later move on. I finally broke ties with most of the people from back home, there really isn’t anyone I talk to on a daily basis. I can dodge out of any serious commitment with the Marine Corps, ’so far away’, excuse. It really baffles me how I can hide this from myself. But I have to be up in 6 hours so its sleep time.

The only question to me right now is your purpose. I don’t know why God has blessed me with you. I can’t help but think maybe you are the one who is supposed to completely break me down. And crush these walls and fears I have. That could just be the hopeless romantic in me speaking. I really don’t know though. Though through time spent with you I have come to realize I trust you with things I don’t entrust in anyone else. And that in your presence I feel … Cannot think of the word that would describe it. You bring a peace to this storm of insecurity. I think thats the reason for my incredible addiction to you. Regardless. Thank you.

All for Him
Zachary Piontkowski, PFC USMC.

Over the mountains and the trees.

    So it’s like 2140 over on the wonderful West coast. Or as I like to call it currently, ‘Home’. Anyways. I’m finally settling into the rack. Contemplating whether or not I should watch an episode of Heroes. I know I shouldn’t…I have three episodes left and if I watch one I will slowly spiral downward and convince myself I can watch at least one more and the snowball effect will take over. Until, hours later I end up with no sleep and have to run a PFT when I’m not fully ready. Hah. I think it would be cool to have a super power. I spend alot of my time during the day thinking of what I would want. I have come up with all the normal ones, but teleporting would have to be my choice. Not that sissy Nightcrawler trash either, I’m talking whenever and wherever. Mainly, so I could go home as I pleased. That would make my current situation alot easier. Also, it wouldn’t be a like two hour drive from home for such a short time. Not that it isn’t worth the effort. Hehe. Had to toss that in there.

I think I’m volunteering at a church in the youth department. God laid it on my heart last Sunday. So I’m praying about that one. Most likely will end up being an Awana group counselor but its whatever God has in store for me.

One last thing. I am seriously going to be the most incredible Dad. McDiesel and I argue about it all the time. But I’m by far going to be the man. He may have better looking kids but hey…I can’t help I’m not so pretty. Haha.

Every minute. Every single day. Every last breath.
All for Him.
Zachary Piontkowski, PFC USMC.

When the music fades and all is stripped away.

Well. I figure I can somewhat cover a bit of my trip as well as another of the great conversations Scho and I had on our return dinner.

So home…I had a wonderful time. Alot of things seem to be in the same order they were in before I left. I got to see everyone briefly at least for a bit. It seemed like just another weekend, like I had never been away at all. Everything was normal. No one did anything out of the ordinary. It was just what I wanted a nice trip back home. Relaxed, rode bikes, spent time with family, and hungout with friends. There isn’t much to say on it. I’m trying to decide if I’m homesick or not. I would love to be able to be back at home more…but…in all honesty I belong here. Going home has reinforced the fact that God wants me here, and that I made the right choice in my life. OR that God’s sovereignty led me to this point in my life. Not to take anything from any of you wonderful people who are so great to me. And not to say there isn’t a certain woman back home I’d do nearly anything to be with. Only to say I put my trust in God to work in that situation. Regardless of how hard it is to accept the fact that who I want is like 1800 miles away. Anywho enough about that. I’m sure I’ve said it too much in the past few days anyhow.

So I found out today that Scho’s kid isn’t actually his kid. He told a story in which Kaitlen called him ‘Matthew’ which I being the awesome listener I am caught on to. Apparently, his wife had a kid with another man and was married once before. Not that that changes anything just the way he talked about how God works in everyone’s life. Like regardless of where two people come from God can bring them through anything. I don’t know. I was going to go to Camp Pendleton this weekend, but Saturday we are doing work around the church, and of course you know what Sunday is. Hah. Life has fallen into place the last couple of days. And just to add..Praying when it comes to decisions with ladies seems to be incredible. I did it this weekend and I think it turned out for the best. Not in a romantic sense because once again. I doubt any woman can say she wants a man who is 1800 miles away. (Outside of wanting it just because she can’t have it) But I had wonderful conversation and an even better time. I just pray I can talk to my wife as much as I do you, and be that open. Even though I for some reason get nervous. I mean I even got nervous going to kiss this girl on the cheek this weekend. Zachary Piontkowski just said that btw. Haha.

I love being random. And I’ll continue with I cannot wait until I have kids. I’m going to be the most amazing Dad ever. My wife will be jealous of the kids adoration for their Father. Oh, and I decided I may never marry due to my last name being given. No one wants that thing. Haha.

Random quote time.

“People used what they called a telephone because they hated being close together and they were scared of being alone.”

” When nobody will look at you, you can stare a hole in them. Picking out all the little details you’d never stare long enough to get if she’d ever just return your gaze, this, this is your revenge.”

“What we call chaos is just patterns we haven’t recognized. What we call random is just patterns we cant decipher. What we can’t understand we call nonsense. What we can’t read we call gibberish. There is no free will. There are no variables. There is only the inevitable. “

That is all.

Zachary Piontkowski, PFC, USMC.
All for Him.

Love is the answer. At least for most of the questions in my head.