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I am truly unable to recall the last night I sat and honestly tried to comprise my feelings and current circumstances in some sort of documented entry. Though, sitting on this late post going into the home stretch of the watch, I think to myself, ‘What better time than the present?’. This writing is destined to become nothing more than an inane ramble of various things, based on that, the chance that anyone actually finishes this babble is tiny.
Status: As of right now, tired and sore. Twenty four hours of duty will cause a man to be a bit groggy, what can you do? Finally starting to get back into the gym, have a new partner for such finally, and the guy is a beast so that is where sore comes in. A little depressed, missed church this morning due to the fact I was here at 0715. Though, hopefully in God’s gracious Will He will find it to grant yet another Sunday, maybe two.
Backslidden, that’s the term used for a Christian who has lost some of their Walk with Christ. …Backslidden. Sounds like a word that could describe me at this moment. Though, I am quite confident that some of you have made that conclusion from afar. Though to save hateful words of malice, you may draw your own conclusion from such statement.
Nervous. Whispers of deployment in every corner of the room, and naturally the new guys are selected. Though, at least our section CO has warned us face-to-face that such could be on the horizon very, very soon.
Pleased. The new duty station in North Carolina seems to be working our wonderfully. It looks as though I should be able to come home once every month or close to it. The next trip in, God Willing, looks to be around February 18th. So, if one reading this has any intention to spend time with me, look for my arrival around that date. The working environment is not bad either; we are in a small platoon so personal working relationships are strong and close. I hold no doubt to the fact that this will greatly aid me in any deployment I should overtake.
Happy. My parents are finally moving to Alabama together, they bought a house in Lexington, Alabama last week and are currently in the process of moving to said house. This brings me joy due to the fact that the struggling marriage seems to be doing a lot better because the distance is no longer a factor. From what I understand, my mother has slowed her drinking to an acceptably moderate level. Which, despite the fact that many think I’m an alcoholic, makes me ecstatic.
Grateful. For many things, but one in particular. My last venture into town was a notable experience, though, one moment stands out in my mind. It was late Sunday evening starting to progress into early Monday morning, the night we intended to leave, I was already home after being blown off a couple times. Sitting on the couch after Ben had gone to sleep. I was watching the television when my phone rang. It was a text message from none other than Elyse Harvey. This caught me a bit off guard but due to the fact I was in town, I called her and inquired as to what she was doing at such late hours. Through a small conversation we decided that we should hangout. So, I changed into some clothes that were a bit more formal than my current attire and headed toward her place of residence. After I arrived, it was the normal of ‘Hey! How are you?’ or ‘You look so good.’ Basically, the same awkward conversation after such a long absence in between, but following such formalities I was taken a bit off guard. Elyse and I don’t keep in touch on a regular basis. To be quite honest, I could count our interactions of last year on my fingers. Though, that does not take anything away from the fact that said encounters are easily some of the most heartfelt and genuine times I’ve had with another person. (Ben excluded, because as we all know…Ben is my ‘nigga’) It started with drifting back to the last night before I went to boot camp last year. It was the 15th of January. Little do many people know, after my parents dropped me off at the hotel, Elyse came and picked me up so her and I could hangout before I took that plunge. In other words, Elyse was the last familiar person I saw before I left. Anyway, I don’t recall many events from that evening. Other than that of our goodbye, it was raining still that night, which had started even before my going away at China Wok, as we got ever closer to the hotel I was to be dropped off at the car became eerily silent. Jokes and laughter ceased and we just drove in the above stated shared silence. We pulled up to the doors and I leaned over to hug her, not thinking of letting her get out of the car to be rained upon. I opened the door and got out trying once again to focus on the journey I was about to overtake. In other words compartmentalizing my feelings, as I so often do. Elyse got out of her car and came up and gave me a huge hug. She told me she would miss me and I told her the same. I promised I would write, which I did, by the way. The hug continued for what seemed like forever, not that I am complaining in the least. When she finally let go of my torso tears were streaming down her face. I had seen this before, even earlier that night on the face of Veronica as we hugged and said our goodbyes. Though, this one was different. Nothing built up to this moment with Elyse and I. Veronica and I had history together that felt like it dated back to the time of the Roman Empire, and at that time we both had feelings for one another again. Elyse just… really honestly cared. It is a moment that still stands out in my mind to this very second. As I told Elyse this last time I was home. It was in that moment that I knew her and I would be in contact until the end of my days. Now, that was some background information to help illustrate my story. We referred back to this night and smiled and laughed and talked about it. My words went into deeper about how I felt leaving that night due to her. She stated she couldn’t be any more proud of me and then just as almost a year ago she started crying. Though brief this time, I had tears in my eyes as well. I promised her everything was okay and that there is no need to cry about me. That interaction basically restored my hope in people, that maybe there can be a person out there who can be honestly genuine and open. And thanks to such a friend as Elyse. I know such is possible.
Hurt and Hopeless. I started with a positive note so I would destroy some of the layer of malice that calluses my heart with next subject. Despite what my heart always tells me, I trust and place hope in people. Regardless of the fact that I know without a doubt I will be let down I press on and force myself to tear down my walls more than I want to. I won’t even go on anymore with details of such. Actually, I can’t let us leave it at once again I have been destroyed by the wretchedness of men. Though, finally I think I am learning the lesson I’ve needed all these years. Stop trusting people, stop opening up, save what little piece of your heart is left and guard it to no end. Maybe Proverbs had it right, Hah.
Lately, the thought of what my desire is for life has come about. People are always asking what my plans are for after the Marines. College is starting very soon. I missed this semester by about a week or so. Looks as though I can get on a summer term and can start on at least getting my associates right now. Something I’m nearly halfway done with already, I still plan of giving Bible School a shot when I’m out. Hah. I can see some of you reading that last sentence and already thinking I am full of it. Well, despite your all-knowing ways of how I’ll be in four years I know myself just a hair better. I’m just in a season right now. It is very hard to be a lone single Christian on a Marine Corps base. You always encounter jokes or bashing from younger NCOs and junior ranks. Positive Christian reinforcement is few and far between. Though even given my alcoholism I can manage to stave off my need for beer and liquor on Saturday night so I can roll out of bed on Sunday and pretend to pay attention in church. (Sarcasm for those that didn’t catch on.) Those are my plans are far as schooling is concerned.
Other than that, I’ve come up with a plan I take a ton of heat for day in and day out. In my lifetime, I have a goal to climb Everest, or one of the 13 smaller, yet still treacherous 8000ers. …Okay now that you have stopped laughing take me seriously, because I am. It’s not like I’m going to just fly to the Himalayas with a big jacket and go up it. It’s a building process one that involves a ton of smaller mountains and training. I’ve been reading a lot into it and the more I read the more I desire to bag an 8000er. I have always appreciated the wonders God has put on this other. Why not experience the sheer power of the Lord first hand? If He can create something as unforgiving as Everest or K2 or Annapurna just think of the Wrath He possesses. I also love the attitudes of climbers. The reasons people have for climbing such mountains have many ranges. When asked why one climber decided to conquer Everest he simply replied with, “Because it’s there.” This is a small exert from Ed Viesturs, No Shortcuts to the Top after seeing a dead climber’s body near a summit.
Boom! I thought to myself, Dude, one tiny screwup and that could be you lying there. No one can get up here to rescue you. That corpse was an instant reminder of how far Veikka and I had stretched our umbilical cord of safety. On the other hand, to stretch that umbilical is to undergo something that not many people experience. To be completely reliant on your own abilities and judgment, without any kind of safety net, is quite rare in everyday life- and strangely gratifying for that very reason.
For me that is inspiring somehow. Even after the disaster on May 10th of ’96 on Everest, just a mere thirteen days later Ed, Veikka, and their team summited Everest, it was Ed’s fourth time reaching the peak of the world. He would go on to claim two more on his journey of Endeavor 8000. Given what you think of this plan, I don’t care. I will at least set foot on that mountain before I perish, if given such a chance. Even if just to stand in front of it and see it proclaiming the Glory of Christ.
I’m really having a hard time coming up with a clear thought in these late hours. It is nearing 0400 and I’m going on twenty two hours on duty. My head is filled with a thousand things none of which make sense now. Oh, I have something.
Today was the first time I’d ever been in a colors ceremony. For those that do not know, colors are the raising and lowering of the flag every morning and night. It is a kind of, humbling experience. Everyone around close enough to hear the music will stand at attention, anyone covered will salute. For a few moments in time, nothing else exist other than that flag heading up to fly high once again. Even cars on the side of the road stop. I would shutter to think what would happen if we did such in a public place, such as a mall. Sigh, I will leave it be at there. Once again I do not want to go into some hate filled rant of why I dislike society.
I’ve decided I am a very angry child as of late. I think it has a lot to do with the fact I’m finally reaching my limit. It’s unhealthy to always turn the other cheek. To continuously be walked upon and lied to and used. For instance, last time I was in town for like…22 days straight or something all these people that said they were going to spend time with me completely just blew me off. Hah. Here’s a good story. Veronica calls me one morning, her and I spoke every couple days before I headed home. At one point she was going to pick me up at the airport so she could see me first. Anyway, I answer from a sleep and I guess I sounded depressed. She inquired as to what was wrong and I went on a rant of my parents problems at the time and that I get blown off a ton. So she assures me that she won’t and I smile and believe her and go back to sleep. She said she had a couple errands and she would call me when she was done. So I wait around until maybe five o’clock or so. Figured she would call when she was done and there was no need to press the issue. Benjamin and I decided to go somewhere that evening and somewhere around eleven I get a text something along the lines of, “Wow, I see what you mean. I’m so sorry what can I do to make it up to you.” I reply telling her not to worry about it, if she really wanted to see me she wouldn’t have forgotten. As I recall that was a bit of a turning point in my mind. Sugarcoating it is a thing of the past for little old me. Though it seems people get all sorts of butt hurt when you are straightforward and honest. Veronica and I don’t talk much anymore and she doesn’t seem to have any desire to want to see me. Along with a handful of others I gave the same general response to, which will remain nameless. Some have come around and we still talk others seem to have erased me from their memory. How convenient such ability would be. I am not capable of such I am cursed with caring. Blah.
That concludes my rant for this early morning. I have nearly another four hours on duty and people will start arriving to work soon. After this, I’m going to bed. Feel free to leave any input on the Everest expedition or anything else. This was mainly for those handful of people who actually read this and wonder how I’m doing.
All for Him.
<3.
Zachary Piontkowski, PFC USMC.
How quickly I forget that this is meaningless.
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So I’m spending ridiculous amounts of money on a bunch of books about climbing the majestic fourteen. Some mainly focused around Everest in May of ‘96. Check it out if you don’t know what I’m talking about. I find it interesting.
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Regardless of how many times the same lesson is taught, I fail to realize what is always missing from life. The hope put into the wrong items or people or place. Devotion to everything but the one thing that will last. I haven’t stepped into a church since probably early November. I love how after I haven’t been in awhile I have opportunities to witness to Marines, and I see God still using me regardless of how much I don’t deserve this life I’ve been given. Needless to say I’m trying a new church tomorrow morning. No matter how far I stray I always yearn and need it again. Positive Christian influences on my life. There aren’t too many anymore. Sigh. Its the same old story. I don’t know why I always come back to this. IT’s funny though today Cory said to me, ‘I love Jesus, but I sin alot.’ I laughed. I can be so gone from the Lord that I don’t even lose sleep at night. That I’m just fine with my sinning, and I claim to be a Christian.
Why am I such a shitty person?
Lord, I need you. I want you. I can’t live like this. I’ve faked a smile too long. Filling my time with random things only works for so long. Having her in my arms only fills me for a minute. I’ve never come close to the joy I had when I was on my knees at your altar. I claim to seek self improvement, and I do. In worldly things always better, faster, stronger, and smarter. Never more Christlike. I’m sorry Lord for what I’ve made it. For sacrificing the Gift. For dishonoring You. Forgive me. In your Holy and Precious name. Amen.
All for Him.
<3
-It doesn’t even matter-
I’m sick and tired of using my sleeve to wipe my tears.
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So, I’m in North Carolina now. Perhaps, there should be a post on how this new experience is treating me. Most of my time here so far has been spent with a dear old friend of mine, Cory Williams, one of whom I haven’t really hung out with since eighth grade. Being able to share my witness with others is an awesome experience. Especially, with people who knew me in my earlier years of high school. Cory and I had a long talk about relationships with Christ, why I don’t get drunk anymore. Despite the fact that I still drink. Going to this new church this weekend. Liberty. My Sergeant Major actually gave me the number to it. I’ll continue this later…
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Congratulations! Today is your day. You're off to Great Places! You're off and away! You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the guy who'll decide where to go. You'll look up and down streets. Look 'em over with care. About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there." With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet, you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street. And you may not find any you'll want to go down. In that case, of course, you'll head straight out of town. It's opener there in the wide open air. Out there things can happen and frequently do to people as brainy and footsy as you. And when things start to happen, don't worry. Don't stew. Just go right along. You'll start happening too. OH! THE PLACES YOU'LL GO! You'll be on your way up! You'll be seeing great sights! You'll join the high fliers who soar to high heights. You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed. You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead. Wherever you fly, you'll be the best of the best. Wherever you go, you will top all the rest. Except when you don' t Because, sometimes, you won't. I'm sorry to say so but, sadly, it's true and Hang-ups can happen to you. You can get all hung up in a prickle-ly perch. And your gang will fly on. You'll be left in a Lurch. You'll come down from the Lurch with an unpleasant bump. And the chances are, then, that you'll be in a Slump. And when you're in a Slump, you're not in for much fun. Un-slumping yourself is not easily done. You will come to a place where the streets are not marked. Some windows are lighted. But mostly they're darked. A place you could sprain both you elbow and chin! Do you dare to stay out? Do you dare to go in? How much can you lose? How much can you win? And IF you go in, should you turn left or right... or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite? Or go around back and sneak in from behind? Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find, for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind. You can get so confused that you'll start in to race down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space, headed, I fear, toward a most useless place. The Waiting Place... ...for people just waiting. Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or a No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting. Waiting for the fish to bite or waiting for wind to fly a kite or waiting around for Friday night or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake or a pot to boil, or a Better Break or a sting of pearls, or a pair of pants or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. Everyone is just waiting. NO! That's not for you! Somehow you'll escape all that waiting and staying. You'll find the bright places where Boom Bands are playing. With banner flip-flapping, once more you'll ride high! Ready for anything under the sky. Ready because you're that kind of a guy! Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done! There are points to be scored. there are games to be won. And the magical things you can do with that ball will make you the winning-est winner of all. Fame! You'll be famous as famous can be, with the whole wide world watching you win on TV. Except when they don't. Because, sometimes, they won't. I'm afraid that some times you'll play lonely games too. Games you can't win 'cause you'll play against you. All Alone! Whether you like it or not, Alone will be something you'll be quite a lot. And when you're alone, there's a very good chance you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. There are some, down the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won't want to go on. But on you will go though the weather be foul On you will go though your enemies prowl On you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl Onward up many a frightening creek, though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak. On and on you will hike and I know you'll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are. You'll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You'll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life's a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left. And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and 3 / 4 percent guaranteed.) KID, YOU'LL MOVE MOUNTAINS! So... be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea, you're off to Great Places! Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting. So...get on your way!
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‘Fuck it. It’s just another year.’ – Ben Tatham.
His words still ring into 2008. I love the New Year it has to be my favorite holiday. Mainly, in a sick twisted humorous only to certain people way. The comedic value of New Year is endless. It is seen as some magical new beginning to forget everything and start fresh and new. It reminds us of how people assume they have time left. They think they have an entire year to accomplish these goals that have been set. What caused this arrogance I do not know, but I’m sure for some it was brought to a screeching halt. What makes 2008 any different from next Monday, or next Thursday for that matter? What motivation does a year bring? It’s an excuse to delay something we don’t want to do longer.
I hate people who do not have the heart and determination to dig into their soul and just do something. It once again comes to my hatred of people who settle and who won’t fight to have what they want.
Goals I’ve been working on.
1)Get stronger. As always. Better body too.
2)Get faster. On the motorcycle.
3)Get smarter. Finally going to see the Education Officer. Get some college classes going.
All for Him.
<3
Zachary Piontkowski, PFC, USMC.
I was riding shotgun with my hair undone in the front seat of his car. 
