Filed under: Uncategorized
29 JAN 2009
Today was an exceptional day to say the least. I ate three chows during my eight hour working shift, the mission to gain mass is working like a dream, even without the supplements. Talked to Grant today and got his insite on working out. He really is a brilliant passionate guy. Anyway, I have ample amounts of time out here to research working out and am finally starting to better understand the ways to achieve the goals that I have in mind for myself. Never have I considered myself a male of any type of size. Lately, I am starting to see the results of my semi-hard work. Though, I didn’t know how much knowledge there is about bettering oneself. So many programs dedicated to physical fitness and retaining strength while cutting uneeded fat. I cannot wait to see myself when I leave this place.
I am quickly realizing just how good the music of Jack Johnson is. I can honestly just sit and drift away to any of his CDs. From my view I see most artists today singing complaints about how life is terrible and how someone broke their heart and things of that sort. I’m sure those who read this know me well enough to know that I hate people who feel sorry for themselves. Jack Johnsons music is more of how I view life. If something happens I have no control over, so be it. I just realized this paragraph is pointless. Haha. I’ll leave it for good measure.
Nothing really to write about today. A couple ideas floating in my head. Nothing too solid that would make any sense. As the first two paragraphs have shown. I’ll write something good in days to come. Get strong. Stay fit.
Point.
“Ben ‘n I were wearing your camo around last night.”
“Were you high?” – Me
“Maybe…I didn’t want to. He forced it on me” – Sanderson.
Oh but everybody thinks
That everybody knows
About everybody else
Nobody knows
Anything about themselves
Cause their all worried about everybody else
Filed under: Uncategorized
28 JAN 2009
It’s funny life never really turns out how you would expect. One minute you have every second figured out, the next you have nothing that you started with and you are fighting with everything to get back to a stable point. I’ve always been a very independent individual. My relationship with my parents never really existed, and still doesn’t really to this day. Bless them for trying, quite honestly I’m indifferent about seeing them. The failing relationships I had with my parents made it very easy for me to be without emotional needs early on. I’ve carried that ability well into my life as it currently sits. I’ve learned here I prefer my solitude. I never realized how much I like this place until the rumors of sending people home early began. My heart actually sunk thinking that I could be selected. I have no problems here, and do to my above stated lack of emotional attachment, I’m completely content staying here sixteen months. Only because I know I could buy a house when I get back to the states, and owning my own house is a long thought out dream of mine.
Here is how I see life. I’m twenty years old, I haven’t even hit middle aged yet. To think that I’ve encountered the love of my life is absurd. I don’t even know what I’m going to do when I get out of the Marine Corps. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’ve been in love and I’ve been willing to see how far it would take me. Though, I have not yet met a woman who can handle me and the things I want to do. I still wanna backpack Europe, skydive, live in Alaska for a couple months, climb a mountain, go crab fishing, stand on a cliff in New Zealand, sing on a stage, write a book, inspire someone, learn to play the guitar, sit on a beach in Mexico with a cold beer in my hand, visit Canada, and rock climb in some random country in Africa. I want to experience every inch of living beautiful terrain this world can offer. Now, to find a woman with the same desires would be great, but if not. I plan on coming right back to the town that I know so well and possibly finding someone there to settle down with. I have a burning desire, a deep raging passion to create something beautiful. I love writing. Sometimes I understand myself better. That is enough for tonight. I’ll say one more thing.
I can’t wait to be a Dad. I’m going to be the absolute best.
Point.
“I cannot believe you didn’t fuck her! Are you kidding me? I’m so pissed off at you right now. Gah!” – John E Schlotter II
Tried to be appealing and you lost your appeal.
Filed under: Uncategorized
19 JAN 2009
Today was one of the best days I’ve had in a very long time. My ab workout at the gym tonight was completely unnecessary due to the fact I spent nearly every waking hour laughing so hard I cried. I was just in such a good mood I decided to infect everyone else with it. Tonight is really no different at all. I figure I’m out here until Lord knows when so I might as well make the best of it with everyone. So many new people and faces to get acquainted with. I find this place doing a large amount of good for me. I can finally focus solely on me and my job at hand. Which, I’m pretty much incredible at, hell, I may get promoted out here. You never know. Watched a couple of really good movies while I’ve been out here, The Score and Southland Tales. Check em. That is really it for today. I’m gonna go to bed and start my routine again tomorrow. 
Point.
Quote.
‘What size jacket is that?’ -Everyone. (You had to be there)
I don’t recognize my reflection now.
20 JAN 2009
So I’ve decided to put all issues aside and remain friends with Brittaney. I have no clue what it is but I enjoy having her in my life and refuse to push her away. It’s quite unlike me to do such but its what I really want this time. Who knows…I’m pausing this one to go the gym and clear my head.
Never came back and wrote more. Watched a few movies. Out Cold is still my favorite movie to this day. I was in tears watching it tonight. I’ve seen it 150 times.
Point.
Quote.
‘In Colorado people don’t just sit outside and go ‘Oh we’re aclimating!” – Pooky
And how I let her go without a fight.
21 JAN 2009
Today was as equally as fun as Monday. I woke early this morning to drive a HMMWV (humvee) about thirty minutes away from my workspace to survey a new site. Basically, I got to feel useful and play in an offroad vehicle. I scaled a small cliff to run some slash wire. Hell, I even caught the brakes on the HMMWV on fire. Yeah, that’s right. I managed to break a vehicle designed to take just about anything you can put it through. In my defence, the truck was in bad condition to start with. All in all the morning was really a good time. Got back around lunch time and had some of the best veal I’ve ever tasted in my life. Returned to work only to head out again to drop gear off at my favorite place, MWCS. Most of my friends are in Comm Squad, though I didn’t realize how many until today. I got to see a couple friends I haven’t seen in well over a year today. Both of which didn’t seem to look any different at all. They are leaving Iraq in a mere nine days. Being as how I just arrived here myself I can’t imagine what that would feel like at all. Shortly after, I headed back to the shop and now I’m back in my can again after a uneventful gym visit and watching the movie The Siege.
I find out here you grow alot closer to people faster. There isn’t much to talk about besides stories of your past, the occasional joke, and your views on life. It’s funny in this place I’m more alone than I’ve been in quite some time, but I am completely unphased by it. Hell, I actually prefer it. I’m more healthy than I have been for some time. By far more active than in the past few months, and here I gain this sort of independence from people that is so hard for me to come by. My insecurities are nonexistent out here. I’m fully content sitting in my can waiting for gym, chow, sleep, or work to come. I have no romantic involvment that I constantly fret over. I miss no one back home badly enough for it to inhibit my daily behavior or mood. I hate feeling weak or exposed to anyone. I hate giving anyone the ability to hurt me. Despite the fact I believe the only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open, I refuse to do such. Well, at times I open up just enough to take a chance. Just recently I found myself fighting to keep someone around putting all my feelings on the line and risking just that. It being the failed attempt it was, I was just stating I’m capable. Regardless what I am capable of I still hate being in that position. It’s how I’ve always been. My life hasn’t been anything near exceptional to this point but I feel as though I’ve done alright for myself so far. Though, maybe its time for a change. Well, I’ve already started making them.
Sometimes I forget that I’m a Marine. It’s become such a routine that I forget what it is we do and what we stand for. Then, every now and then I’m reminded. I work in conjunction with the direct air support center(DASC). Basically, they are radio operators who assign aircrafts to casualty evacuations or medical evacuations. Meaning you have young men and women holding the lives of so many in their hands. I always say what respect I have for athletes. Just the other day I mentioned how I couldn’t do what Darius Washington did no more than three years ago. (If you don’t know what I’m talking about Google ‘darius washington missed free throws’ or YouTube it.) College athletes who being around the same age as me are covered by so much pressure to succeed. It’s so easy to forget that everyday my job is ten times more important than these athletes. I maintain communication for the above explained DASC. Ergo, without the radio nets we provide, there would be no MED or CAS EVACS. If communication fails during one of these times it would be up to me or a fellow Marine to bring it back up, or we would be the ones responsible for the death of another. That is what I deal with on a day to day basis. It’s something all of us have to deal with.
Sometimes, I blame the Marine Corps for the life I now lead. I forget how honorable it is to be in the position I am. I can’t imagine how or where I would be if I hadn’t joined. Never look at the Armed Forces with any distain. They do everything they do for you. The words of Lew still ring clear in my head to this very day.
‘So they don’t have to go. So their parents don’t have to watch their son die.’
It was his reasoning for why someone else couldn’t go. If we should be in Iraq, if we shouldn’t, whatever the case may be…I’m surrounded by the bravest and most selfless people in the country. Maybe not when it comes to the last beer in the case, or who gets the top or bottom rack. Though, when it comes down to setting their entire life aside just so you can continue yours without having to worry about it they are money. I know this deployment is why you left me. I would even bet you still are in love with me. I hate that I had to give us up. We would have been so great together for so long. Though, here I am…10,000 miles from home. Perhaps, one day I’ll be home for good and we can try this all again. As of right now, I’m where I’m supposed to be. I pray regardless of the outcome you are happy, that is all I ever wanted for you. I love both of you still. Know that if you ever read this.
I originally started this journal, well it was supposed to be letters, to someone on a near daily basis so if the content seems a bit dry that was the idea I had in mind. In a way, I’m still writing them for her. I just don’t think I’ll tell her until I return to the states.
Point.
Quote.
‘What kind of asshole removes a working heater to replace it with one with a cut power cord? Then, wraps the cord around it knowing I can’t use it.’ – Lt. Koons.
Misdirected aggression from an obvious lack of attention.
Filed under: Uncategorized
Life is much like this desert I find myself in now. Barren, desolate, and void of most anything one would find enjoyment out of. A journey one sets out on, the destination being unknown. Stumbling with little guidance and using any wits we are given to follow some sort of path or direction. Then, suddenly after all hope is lost we find an oasis. An absolute paradise in the middle of this treacherous road we have been on for so long. We are filled with utter joy. Finally, is the thought that comes to mind. Finally we have found what we have been looking for for all this time. The work and effort and journey have all been worth this second and moment in time. We enjoy the time we are blessed with in that oasis until something happens. Depending on what type of person we are either, A) The oasis turns out to be a mirage and everything just disappears and once again you are left with the barren unforgiving desert you were stuck with before, or B) We use the oasis until we have had our fill and then we get bored and decide to continue on the road traveling to the next best thing.
The first week in country has passed with a swiftness that I did not expect. People, despite how predictable they are still amaze me constantly. The human mind continues to perplex me. Perhaps, it is the need we have for others or the desire for acceptance we all search for that causes us to do the most unlikely of things. Regardless, I am at a loss for explanation. I’m not saying I’m any better or different. I sympathize, I sympathize completely. I just haven’t found the comfort others have with living all for myself. Even reading my last post I think that way of thinking is horrible. Who am I to complain because I am beaten and used and lied to and completely disrespected. I have the love of a Savior who died for me, and His suffering was immensely worse than mine could ever begin to be. So, once again I will continue to do anything I can to help everyone I can. Much like the service I am doing for this country now, as I sit in a room no bigger than a storage unit. Coming across some of my old writings I see the man I have become and the hatred this world has caused my heart to feel. Though, I refuse to be weak and refuse to give up. I can’t. I won’t. I am the strongest and smartest man who has ever lived. I’m done clapping. I can do it better myself and I will.
With that all said, I’m continuing to enjoy my deployment. I’m gaining weight and looking better everyday. Hopefully, I’m here for sixteen months so that I can purchase a house when I return home. This is my desire, my will, my goal. Self improvement. Better, stronger, faster. Though, I will say a special thanks to those who walk all over me. You are the reason I will be so successful.
Point.
Quote.
‘Motherfuckin’ Chode’ – Big T
You forget I got this far without you. You are forgetting my broken bones.
Filed under: Uncategorized
14 JAN 2009
This is my first entry since we have been in country due to the fact I finally have electricity. Writing eluded me the days prior to my departing due to the fact I couldn’t hold one single thought long enough to decide how I felt about anything. Went to Tennessee one last time before I left, had to put the plan into action to return my three vehicles. That was the reason given for my trip back. Though, I possessed so many more. Seeing Brittaney again was really the only thing that I had hoped for. I’ll keep the outcome of that and my feelings on the matter to myself for now. The very hour I left home my anxiety faded and any fear about me disappeared. I couldn’t wait to finally get into Iraq. That which I had seeked for so long could no elude me any longer. The trip here was very uneventful, Meastas and I slept every plane ride fully until food was being served at which point we awoke to eat and then pass out shortly thereafter. We stopped in Maine, I can’t come up with one reason anyone would live there -14 degrees is something I never want to experience again. From there, another five hour nap with periods of eating to Germany. Meastas, who will be further known as Pooky, does not accredit me with a visit to this country due to the fact we were stuck in an airport the entire time. Regardless I have been there, so Pooky can eat it.
So quote of the day.
“How cool would it be to have a dragon?” Smasal
“That would be pretty fucking sweet man.” Me
“Let a bitch burn my shit.” Meastas.
I found that hilarious.
Point.
If you close your eyes it will all go away. Bullshit.
15 JAN 2009
The power here is about as stable as my lovelife, therefore, the last entry was cut short. Somewhere I probably lost this incredible idea or thought that could have changed the world, oh well. Counting days here is a activity I shall not partake in, as I find any measuring of time slows the entire process. So far my time is filled with eating what could be the best food of my life and sleeping more than I have in any period. Eight hours of jet lag will destroy any remains of a sleep schedule one had. I stay in a room no larger than a one car garage with three other males. All of us come from different backgrounds with the most conflicting personalities any four humans could possess, though, somehow through this strange place everything seems to be going smoothly…for now.
I feel sympathy for so many Marines in this place. My so called sacrifice is nothing in comparison to what they have given up for their country. I have no wife, kids, home, or really anything resembling a family that I had to leave when I departed the states for a year. I had no girlfriend, no home to leave, or anything such as that. The biggest hassle I had was setting up automatic bill payment and trying to ship my unnecessary amount of vehicles home, which ended successfully. I remember why I would prefer being out here for sixteen months as opposed to be coming back shortly after my twenty-first. I cannot stand being that dependent on anyone else. I refuse to allow myself to be so attached that I can’t live without someone. It’s so crazy because I was almost at that point no more than a month ago. I thought I finally found that person, luckily she shut me down. For once in my life I was ready to fight to keep someone around. Yes, Zachary Piontkowski was so sprung and confident that he was ready to actually give everything he had to keep someone around. I’m still very broken and would love to have her, but being out here is just a reassurace that I am perfectly content with being alone.
I can see myself waging a sort of emotional war though. I am so unsure of what to do. Normally, I can just push someone completely out of my life and not worry about it in the least. Somehow this time is different…I’m sure this innane babble means nothing to anyone. I post it anyway. Someone will eventually make some sort of sense from it.
Back into the deployment, its a joke, and as far as this ‘combat zone’ goes…This is a joke. I work eight hours a day and my work consists.
So I found out alot since I wrote that last part. I’m furious at myself for being a moron and once again putting faith in people. I have a year to become independent and cut my need for any emotional attachment.
Point.
I asked a toothless man who all these people were and….
