Beyond the Warrior Within

14 JAN 2009

This is my first entry since we have been in country due to the fact I finally have electricity. Writing eluded me the days prior to my departing due to the fact I couldn’t hold one single thought long enough to decide how I felt about anything. Went to Tennessee one last time before I left, had to put the plan into action to return my three vehicles. That was the reason given for my trip back. Though, I possessed so many more. Seeing Brittaney again was really the only thing that I had hoped for. I’ll keep the outcome of that and my feelings on the matter to myself for now. The very hour I left home my anxiety faded and any fear about me disappeared. I couldn’t wait to finally get into Iraq. That which I had seeked for so long could no elude me any longer. The trip here was very uneventful, Meastas and I slept every plane ride fully until food was being served at which point we awoke to eat and then pass out shortly thereafter. We stopped in Maine, I can’t come up with one reason anyone would live there -14 degrees is something I never want to experience again. From there, another five hour nap with periods of eating to Germany. Meastas, who will be further known as Pooky, does not accredit me with a visit to this country due to the fact we were stuck in an airport the entire time. Regardless I have been there, so Pooky can eat it.

So quote of the day.
“How cool would it be to have a dragon?” Smasal
“That would be pretty fucking sweet man.” Me
“Let a bitch burn my shit.” Meastas.

I found that hilarious.

Point.

If you close your eyes it will all go away. Bullshit.

15 JAN 2009

The power here is about as stable as my lovelife, therefore, the last entry was cut short. Somewhere I probably lost this incredible idea or thought that could have changed the world, oh well. Counting days here is a activity I shall not partake in, as I find any measuring of time slows the entire process. So far my time is filled with eating what could be the best food of my life and sleeping more than I have in any period. Eight hours of jet lag will destroy any remains of a sleep schedule one had. I stay in a room no larger than a one car garage with three other males. All of us come from different backgrounds with the most conflicting personalities any four humans could possess, though, somehow through this strange place everything seems to be going smoothly…for now.
I feel sympathy for so many Marines in this place. My so called sacrifice is nothing in comparison to what they have given up for their country. I have no wife, kids, home, or really anything resembling a family that I had to leave when I departed the states for a year. I had no girlfriend, no home to leave, or anything such as that. The biggest hassle I had was setting up automatic bill payment and trying to ship my unnecessary amount of vehicles home, which ended successfully. I remember why I would prefer being out here for sixteen months as opposed to be coming back shortly after my twenty-first. I cannot stand being that dependent on anyone else. I refuse to allow myself to be so attached that I can’t live without someone. It’s so crazy because I was almost at that point no more than a month ago. I thought I finally found that person, luckily she shut me down. For once in my life I was ready to fight to keep someone around. Yes, Zachary Piontkowski was so sprung and confident that he was ready to actually give everything he had to keep someone around. I’m still very broken and would love to have her, but being out here is just a reassurace that I am perfectly content with being alone.
I can see myself waging a sort of emotional war though. I am so unsure of what to do. Normally, I can just push someone completely out of my life and not worry about it in the least. Somehow this time is different…I’m sure this innane babble means nothing to anyone. I post it anyway. Someone will eventually make some sort of sense from it.
Back into the deployment, its a joke, and as far as this ‘combat zone’ goes…This is a joke. I work eight hours a day and my work consists.

So I found out alot since I wrote that last part. I’m furious at myself for being a moron and once again putting faith in people. I have a year to become independent and cut my need for any emotional attachment.

Point.

I asked a toothless man who all these people were and….