Beyond the Warrior Within

19 JAN 2009

Today was one of the best days I’ve had in a very long time. My ab workout at the gym tonight was completely unnecessary due to the fact I spent nearly every waking hour laughing so hard I cried. I was just in such a good mood I decided to infect everyone else with it. Tonight is really no different at all. I figure I’m out here until Lord knows when so I might as well make the best of it with everyone. So many new people and faces to get acquainted with. I find this place doing a large amount of good for me. I can finally focus solely on me and my job at hand. Which, I’m pretty much incredible at, hell, I may get promoted out here. You never know. Watched a couple of really good movies while I’ve been out here, The Score and Southland Tales. Check em. That is really it for today. I’m gonna go to bed and start my routine again tomorrow.

Point.

Quote.
‘What size jacket is that?’ -Everyone. (You had to be there)

I don’t recognize my reflection now.

20 JAN 2009

So I’ve decided to put all issues aside and remain friends with Brittaney. I have no clue what it is but I enjoy having her in my life and refuse to push her away. It’s quite unlike me to do such but its what I really want this time. Who knows…I’m pausing this one to go the gym and clear my head.

Never came back and wrote more. Watched a few movies. Out Cold is still my favorite movie to this day. I was in tears watching it tonight. I’ve seen it 150 times.

Point.

Quote.
‘In Colorado people don’t just sit outside and go ‘Oh we’re aclimating!” – Pooky

And how I let her go without a fight.

21 JAN 2009

Today was as equally as fun as Monday. I woke early this morning to drive a HMMWV (humvee) about thirty minutes away from my workspace to survey a new site. Basically, I got to feel useful and play in an offroad vehicle. I scaled a small cliff to run some slash wire. Hell, I even caught the brakes on the HMMWV on fire. Yeah, that’s right. I managed to break a vehicle designed to take just about anything you can put it through. In my defence, the truck was in bad condition to start with. All in all the morning was really a good time. Got back around lunch time and had some of the best veal I’ve ever tasted in my life. Returned to work only to head out again to drop gear off at my favorite place, MWCS. Most of my friends are in Comm Squad, though I didn’t realize how many until today. I got to see a couple friends I haven’t seen in well over a year today. Both of which didn’t seem to look any different at all. They are leaving Iraq in a mere nine days. Being as how I just arrived here myself I can’t imagine what that would feel like at all. Shortly after, I headed back to the shop and now I’m back in my can again after a uneventful gym visit and watching the movie The Siege.

I find out here you grow alot closer to people faster. There isn’t much to talk about besides stories of your past, the occasional joke, and your views on life. It’s funny in this place I’m more alone than I’ve been in quite some time, but I am completely unphased by it. Hell, I actually prefer it. I’m more healthy than I have been for some time. By far more active than in the past few months, and here I gain this sort of independence from people that is so hard for me to come by. My insecurities are nonexistent out here. I’m fully content sitting in my can waiting for gym, chow, sleep, or work to come. I have no romantic involvment that I constantly fret over. I miss no one back home badly enough for it to inhibit my daily behavior or mood. I hate feeling weak or exposed to anyone. I hate giving anyone the ability to hurt me. Despite the fact I believe the only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open, I refuse to do such. Well, at times I open up just enough to take a chance. Just recently I found myself fighting to keep someone around putting all my feelings on the line and risking just that. It being the failed attempt it was, I was just stating I’m capable. Regardless what I am capable of I still hate being in that position. It’s how I’ve always been. My life hasn’t been anything near exceptional to this point but I feel as though I’ve done alright for myself so far. Though, maybe its time for a change. Well, I’ve already started making them.

Sometimes I forget that I’m a Marine. It’s become such a routine that I forget what it is we do and what we stand for. Then, every now and then I’m reminded. I work in conjunction with the direct air support center(DASC). Basically, they are radio operators who assign aircrafts to casualty evacuations or medical evacuations. Meaning you have young men and women holding the lives of so many in their hands. I always say what respect I have for athletes. Just the other day I mentioned how I couldn’t do what Darius Washington did no more than three years ago. (If you don’t know what I’m talking about Google ‘darius washington missed free throws’ or YouTube it.) College athletes who being around the same age as me are covered by so much pressure to succeed. It’s so easy to forget that everyday my job is ten times more important than these athletes. I maintain communication for the above explained DASC. Ergo, without the radio nets we provide, there would be no MED or CAS EVACS. If communication fails during one of these times it would be up to me or a fellow Marine to bring it back up, or we would be the ones responsible for the death of another. That is what I deal with on a day to day basis. It’s something all of us have to deal with.

Sometimes, I blame the Marine Corps for the life I now lead. I forget how honorable it is to be in the position I am. I can’t imagine how or where I would be if I hadn’t joined. Never look at the Armed Forces with any distain. They do everything they do for you. The words of Lew still ring clear in my head to this very day.

‘So they don’t have to go. So their parents don’t have to watch their son die.’

It was his reasoning for why someone else couldn’t go. If we should be in Iraq, if we shouldn’t, whatever the case may be…I’m surrounded by the bravest and most selfless people in the country. Maybe not when it comes to the last beer in the case, or who gets the top or bottom rack. Though, when it comes down to setting their entire life aside just so you can continue yours without having to worry about it they are money. I know this deployment is why you left me. I would even bet you still are in love with me. I hate that I had to give us up. We would have been so great together for so long. Though, here I am…10,000 miles from home. Perhaps, one day I’ll be home for good and we can try this all again. As of right now, I’m where I’m supposed to be. I pray regardless of the outcome you are happy, that is all I ever wanted for you. I love both of you still. Know that if you ever read this.

I originally started this journal, well it was supposed to be letters, to someone on a near daily basis so if the content seems a bit dry that was the idea I had in mind. In a way, I’m still writing them for her. I just don’t think I’ll tell her until I return to the states.

Point.

Quote.
‘What kind of asshole removes a working heater to replace it with one with a cut power cord? Then, wraps the cord around it knowing I can’t use it.’ – Lt. Koons.

Misdirected aggression from an obvious lack of attention.