Filed under: Uncategorized
3 FEB 2009
‘Cause you are afraid of love.’ – Schlotter.
I’ve never thought of it that way, never in that light. I know I don’t consider love possible right now, and I’ve seen first hand accounts that have led me to believe such. Though, afraid is not a word I would use to describe my sentiments on love. I’m just not naive enough to believe that there is someone out there who would be capable of loving me more than they love themselves. This all being in the romantic sense of the word love. I love, its what I do, I would do just about anything to help someone if I could regardless of how that person has done me in the past. Given the right person, one I could trust who doesn’t end up changing their mind, I am absolutely capable of love. I’m not scared of love, I just know that I am young and so are most women I get involved with. Perhaps, I will find one that is suited to change my mind, one who can go beyond infatuation and how I ‘make her feel’ and realize love costs, it takes effort and work. Then, maybe I will have found love. Until then, I’ll just keep doing what I do, living the dream and having a blast.
I may add more later. I doubt it tho.
Point
Quote.
‘I have the hottest girlfriend ever, I drive a BMW, blah blah blah, my Dad owns the color blue, I’m rich.’ Pooky.
On the next plane to Mexico
6 FEB 2009
Is this how you imagined your life? When you were growing up in school did you think of the life you have now when you dreamed of what you really wanted. I hate people becoming content with what they have and settling for less than what they want. I have a letter written to me where a girl stated, ‘I never thought I would fall in love like this. I always thought I would just settle. I never thought a love like this was possible.’ That statement is so ridiculous. Why would anyone think like that? I don’t believe many people are capable of the love I dream of, but I do think it exists somewhere and I won’t stop searching until I find it. This life has so much more to offer than a mediocre relationship, two and a half kids, and a quaint little house in a suburb that is exactly like every other one. I want to build my own house, with my hands, and a little help from Ben, Doug, and the Uncles. I want my own design. I want a job where I love going to work every single day. I wanna work on a mountain as a boarding instructor. I want to be a guide in the wilderness somewhere. I want to live in the Bahamas and work at an incredible resort. I want my own life, not just what the world says is normal. I want to experience everything I can and maybe along the way I will fall madly in love with someone who has the same spirit as me.
Though, here I sit for now. In the most mundane, routine filled life I could possibly imagine. My actions and daily events are as predictable as the ticking of a clock. This is me. This is what I’ve become. Repeating yesterday. The only thing I think about during the day is snowboarding in Aspen at the end of the year. Skydiving for my birthday when I get back to the states. Most of all, getting out of the Marine Corps and actually living my life. Traveling and just getting away for awhile. Hopefully I can get enough school done while I’m in so I can have fun when I get out. Otherwise, I gotta get that done first. Family comes first. I need to be able to support my children and wife before I can go out and get crazy. That is all for tonight.
Point.
It’s the way you present yourself for all your worst critics to see.
11 FEB 2009
So, today marks a month since I’ve been gone. Time flies by in this place despite the fact I have the most predictable routine one could ever have. Though, the crews switched up and we started playing Spades at work. We have been having a blast with the newest addition to our crew Matt. He fits in well with Tony and I. I finally ordered some workout clothing, so I can get out of my cammies and boots in the gym. Umm..I’ve gained a few pounds of muscle and am starting to enjoy how I look. Not much else to report.
The question arised today of volunteers for the entire year deployment. Meaning everyone who didn’t want to could leave in August and return back to their homes. Except for two people. One 2800 and one 5900. I am one of three 2800s. The other two, who are both close friends of mine. Micheal Smasal, a 21 year old Virginian who reminds me of a Holocaust victim. He’s been in the hospital for about two and a half weeks now. He developed ammonia in Sal Sinjar and is now dwelling in Kuwait waiting to return here. He and his wife have been married a little over three months or so. Which is why I wouldn’t expect him to stay when he has so much to go back to. The other is Johnathon Meastas, one of the most hilarious rich children I have ever met in my life. A twenty year old from Colorado, one of the hardest working Marines I know. He too has a wife waiting for him back home. What kind of person would I be to elongate the seperation of a husband and wife? How selfish would I have to be to knowingly extend either of their periods without their counterpart? Therefore, I raised my hand.
Didn’t finish this one.
Point.
‘I hope someone shits on your eyebrows’ – Key key.
Could we pretend for a second that we are together
12 FEB 2009
Emotions. The best of them all being numb. This is the conclusion I had come to until as of late in my life. Apathy was always the solution, the easiest way out of this whole ordeal. Though, it is a poison. A poison that chokes the fullness of life out of a person’s existence.
What I wouldn’t give to finally forget you. Even though the thought of our story sickens me to my core I can’t help but think about you everyday. Given it isn’t always a positive memory I recall, but late at night before bed I still recall what it was like when you would hold my hand. How despite everything I still felt like the center of the universe that night we said goodbye in the driveway. How you still said you loved me after everything. I wonder if you think about me in the same way still. Perhaps, sometimes you wish he was me.
To see someone lose themselves in their emotions always made me think of them as weak. Though, I’ve learned as of late a man who can control and channel his emotions could be powerful beyond measure. Today in the gym, while lifting I recalled the events of the past that caused my blood to boil. I felt the anger coarsing through my veins as I jumped twenty pounds in my dumbbell bench. Closing my eyes and picturing if you will, a slideshow of memories that caused a rage to build inside of me. The final freezeframe flashed in my mind as I opened my eyes and threw my weights back. The weight I did was my fifth set and was also above my max. I completed eight reps. Thank you for those pictured that caused my rage induced workout. I’ll try this more often.
Point.
‘You are a Marine, you can do anything.’ Mick Jones
‘Yeah, except quit.’ Key Key
All she want me to do is fuck the police.
15 FEB 2009
Time here is passing with a swiftness that one really wouldn’t expect. By the time you glance at the clock it seems the day is already coming to an end. Another Sunday has come and gone, here I sit awaiting to go to the gym to continue building this body the way I feel it should be. Rarely having time to think deeply other than when I select my playlist for falling asleep. After which, I lay there and contemplate how things are going back home. Not exactly missing home itself, more of thinking if my extended leave is affecting anything at all. Wondering if anyone stops during the day and questions if I am alright. Considering if anyone goes through the same thought process toward the end of the day. Perhaps, you lay your head down at night and imagine where I am at that moment. These being the things that still effect me the most. I pray nightly to gain closure in my current situation. To hear I was inadequate to fulfil your deepest desires or that you just weren’t looking for someone like me is all that I ever needed to hear. Except, you couldn’t give me that, still to this day all you have said is you still love me and still think about me constantly. To be able to give up this hold you have on my heart, that is my greatest want as of right now.
Maybe I’ll continue this after the gym, but now I’m going to lift myself sick and then cut my hair.
If you only knew how much thats just not like me.
Smasal has finally returned from his illness. A knock upon the door last night the minute after I lay down to sleep. Shouting out to tell the person to just enter, as I do not lock my door at night. Despite my attempt to communicate with the visitor I have to summon the energy to climb out of my comfortable bed. Stumbling to the door kicking random things on the floor along the way, I finally arrive to the door. Opening it only to hear, ‘Get your dick out of your hand.’ I look up as my eyes adjust to see my old friend staring me in the face. We greet one another with a hug as excitement finally begins to come around in my sluggish state. We talk for ten minutes or so and then we both decide to head to bed. This interaction, regardless of how short has been one of the best since I’ve arrived in this foreign land. I can only imagine the embrace of someone from back home in a period twelve times that of Smasal’s.
I seem to have injured my shoulder no more than three days ago. My lifts, while still improving are becoming more and more painful. Mainly, those involving my left shoulder. Maybe I’ll take a few days off here and there from now on. Don’t know what I would do in place of my gym time though. Perhaps, I will meditate, or I could do what I have done tonight. Which is, writing in this journal.
Only time will tell.
[CONT]
So, I just finished watching the movie, Failure to Launch, and wasn’t quite ready for bed. I figured I’d apease all the lovely readers by more innane babble about my thoughts on life. I’ve never thought of myself as a complicated person, and experience has led me to believe I’m a bit more stable than most of my peers. You know. I’m just not feeling it. I’m gonna do some push-ups and sit-ups before bed. You all should do the same.
I will state my favorite scene of the movie is when Tripp gets in his car and she is there asking for a second to explain. His only reply is. ‘Get the fuck out of my car.’ Powerful stuff. In the rain and all.
Goodnight readers.
Point.
‘How do you lose weight?’ Shu
‘Just throw up after you eat man. Duh.’ The Huge Guy in the gym.
It’s not a lie if you believe it
